1.get my G.E.D
2.go to cosmotology school
3.get an apartment
4.save money for a car
5.save more money
6 have good credit
7 have a good savings 
8 have an organized healthy home 
9 live a healthy life
10 get married
11 have a family 
12 be happy 
 

well I'm here with cory and my mom tells me that if I come home crying or upset then I cant see him anymore but I'm going to try to coem home with a smile as hard as I can so I can see him things are just not going to change ever and if its not then why am I here 

well I'm at corys and just here waitin for him to get out of work and so blah I can say I'm bored and whatever and my mom said that no more coming home crying from being with him or I cant see him anymore I guess I cant blame her cuz its happening around her and shes worried about me and stuff and whatever and well I dont know I hope it gets through his head that he cant be treating that way anymore and stuff and whatever I dont know I miss jessie and I'm glad I got to talk to her this afternoon I miss her dearly and cant wait to see her and stuff so ok whatever bye 

so blah I dont know what to write I'm so blah I have a plan though thats something for me but eh I guess everything is stupid ugh why is my confidence so shot down why am I so shot down I guess two ppl feel the same way and if they feel the same why shouldn't they seperate becuz it would make them happier I don't know but what I do know is that I want to get my drivers permit and finish my G.E.D and hope that I can do it even though I'm not trying to sound negative and I know I am but I am horrible at math and becuz of that I will never pass anything I really want to be a hairstylist but everything was just screwed up and it sucks but I'm going to give it my best becuz I ned to be a successful person for me to be good later in life in the future to live well at least decent then what I had and hopefully everything would be good and stuff for me and what not I have a plan and I'll write it down and maybe it'll happen who knows whatever I highly doubt it and everyone else doubts me and my relationship is in a shit hole and not progressing or anything but whatever I wish things would get better maybe i should leave the relationship I'm in if its not we both want it would be better and the two ppl would be happier 

well I dont know I guess to top everything off my weekend wasnt the funnest with cory I really didnt like it I mean we faught adnd it sucked I thought last weekend was fine but I guess whatever I dont know I really want to be with him but not him and everyone else I'm not for that but apparently he cant get it so I'm going to break up with him when I get home becuz I'm pretty sure I'd be happy without him I mean I cant get happy with him he doesnt make me feel happy at all but whatever I guess he doesnt care .

ok so things havent been going good at all and I'm getting a little tired of it to the point where I'm about to say I cant do this anymore like fighting with me and I'm tired of it and I cant fight with him anymore and its just I dont know whatever I guess its never going to change so today I caught up with an old friend named Daniel and well it was pretty good I'm glad I met up with him and it was pretty good he's pretty laid back chilling kind of guy and its cool I like that about him he seems like the fun person to be with but to young for me he'd put me in jail lol but whawtever I'm looking for another relationship after cory I think I'd like to be alone to find myself and find who I am cuz really all I think about is the future with him but thats all it is is me wanting the future for him and I and I really think he doesnt think about our future only him and his friends but he doesnt realize that you cant have your cake and eat it too but then I dont know I guess thats me but you know the only good outcome from all of this is that I got to see my crush from sophomore year 

yea my relationship sucks with cory its like happy anymore I mean I cry everytime I'm with him and maybe onc in a big while I'll be happy with him and everything but I dont know whatever I have so much stuff on my mind and I dont know sometimes I want to leave him so bad cuz of how much he makes me cry and I love him so much I love him more than the world itself I love him without money or anything and well things I guess arent the same anymore and its sad I cant believe we lost so much happiness together I dont know I mean I love him so much I cant even stand being in another room without him and I really dont see the difference in relationships and ours I mean ours is supposed to be normal but it isnt ours I dont know its just sad and depressing and I dont know I mean what happened to us why are we like this I ask myself that question all the time and it never gets answered or maybe it does or something I dont know I guess what I felt for him is dying cuz how its getting mistreated and the more it does the more I fall away and when I fall away I wont come back until he thinks about the things he's done

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I hate that I do what I'm asked and its like I cant control myself everyone else has to why cant I speak up oh yea I forgot everyone shuts me out but why though I hate that ugh I'm so easy to bring down I hate that to why am I so worried about who I am how can I change myself I wish I could go through surgery and they would switch my brain to a nice girl who doesnt care about anyone else I feel like I'm going to scream to the world cuz thats all I can do no one will listen not even my boyfriend and then if I tell him things that he deos he gets so angry but he has to know what he does to me and its so wrong I cant say I dont know anymore cuz I do its just frustrating and difficult nothing is improving at all becuz it cant why cant I say that is it becuz I love him so much and I just cant say anything mean to him I mean I'm always trying to speak my mind why is everyone hurting so much and the big thing is why is my protector hurting me and he doesnt care everything is just going to continue and its not going to stop maybe I should leave him maybe I'll be happier I think I will but I'll be torn up inside becuz I love him and I know he will threaten me with breaking up so yea but whatever I dont know I guess all I'm good for is sex to him

I was with my friends every weekend and now I spend all my time with my boyfriend .

theres no subject to this but I'm blah I have so much that I want to say and cory says that he's there for me to talk to him but really he doesn't understand at all I hate it the thing is this I mean he needs his own life and I guess I need my own to but the thing is I made him life becuz I love him I mean my center of me but then if he was who would I be in public by myself hi how are you um hi I'm erika oh so he whats up nothing much I really like that ice cream oh yea my bf likes this my bf likes that but what do I like I seriously do need to make my own and leave him alone so whatever blah 

so today is blah becuz well I dont know I guess I'm bored or something but well I have to stop being that way becuz if I'm bored I eat like theres no tomorrow and I know I have to stop becuz if I dont I'm just going to gain weight like the way I was before but whatever so I'm going to make this a routine that I will walk to school everyday and my brother will pick me up from school so that way I dont get hurt or anything at night but I have to do this so that way I wont gain weight and then I have to cut back on how much outside food I eat and drink a lot of water like I did so yea so anyways thats what I'm going to do and eat little somethings here and there of outside food and just eat of whatever I can find here at the house so I can maintain myself cuz well I need my cloths 

I feel like I cant do anything cuz I'm encouraged that I cant do anything and that I cant fill anything out or do anything for myself I feel like everyone is treating me like if I was born yesterday or I'm dumb or whatever what is wrong with me sometimes I wish I dissapeared I mean becuz all I am to everyone is someone that everyone can give crap to like today I knew I had to go to my G.E.D prep thing and stuff to do my prep test so yea whatever I did it but my mom was like treating me like a dumb person whatever I dont care anymore theres nothing I can do or say cuz apperently everytime I try to say something its either stupid unsmart like everyone else or childish or imature whatever I dont fucking care anymore I'll just keep my mouth shut why do people think I'm so quiet or keep my mouth shut cuz then something comes back to me and hurts me

my amazing fiance Cory,Cosmetology, ice cream comic books video games boomers the color purple lexy music movies crushmollysunshine boys girls friends highlighters pizza vegetarianism poka dots making cloths band shirts my shoes my shoe laces the colors of the rainbow going out love happyness babes in toyland holloween parties shows the beach the rain thunderstorms shooting stars staying out at night cherry coke M&Ms in the chocolate chip cookies big M&Ms candles being a nice person little boy cloths dork off-roading traveling long car rides the third floor parking lot the movie theatre the mall famous philosopher quotes interior designing the color pink t.v sleeping the sunset winter my wrist band painting my sister gabby my mom irene NIN googoodolls the cardigans poetry running around my notebook sun bus puppies rats fun socks laughlin monster trucks paulyshore rachel bilson adam brody comedy movies roller coasters target wal-mart at night ren and stimpy rocko's modern life ducttape happy faces goofy goober ahhh.. real monsters feeding the ducks placebo sour worms vinyls volcom AMP clothing magazines nickelodeon mag smash mag writing sewing pins patches swimming cardigan sweaters walking around the citythe park laying on the grass looking at the sky phsycology my purple furry pillow dancing in my underwear sex hair after having sex with my love of my life cory

I'm not for this of what I'm about to say I feel that my boyfriend only wants me around just so he can feel my presence and as long as he feels that he's ok and he can do whatever he wants which I kinda feel like thats not all right thats not what I'm for I feel like I live with my brother someone who underestimates me and doesnt want me to move on I  got that so much living with my family I mean I hate that they think that I'm the dumbest person they have ever met I hated being that and I was hoping not to go through that anymore but I still do I dont know what is it with me that I just have those people around me so much I dont know well anyways i'm moving out from where I'm living with cory but its ok I dont know cory doesnt care so why should i but whatever 

having a boyfriend who is obessesed with video games and wont shut it off when I come in the room or stop it for a couple of minutes but he'd do it for everyone else its like if whatever I say doesnt even matter and I'm so ashamed of him becuz he's so imature I wish he would grow up 

my days havent been the best slowly me and cory are growing apart I can feel it everyday I mean things are different now between him and I and I dont think things are going to ever be the same like last night he wishes that we can go back to the way that we used to be but that will never happen the way he is we will not be happy again we wont I can feel that we are not going to develop that ever again its not going to happen and I dont know what to do anymore .

I would be lonely I wouldnt have anyone to talk to and I'm glad I have my sister shes like my therapist and she helps me out and I'm glad I have her cuz then  I would be seriously depressed if I didnt have her so Ia think it changes you as a lonely person and a happy person to have them to interact with

I have noticed something in my entire life everyone treats me like a little girl like everything is dangerous do this and well knowing me I follow the rules thats what made me rebel in the first place I was tired of being treated that way and watching myself get put down by others well everyone looks higher than me what the hell is wrong with me why do ppl do this or is it blaming ppl I shouldnt be blaming I'm so stupid what the hell why do I cry when I get put down how are you supposed to take it how does someone live being verbally not good I feel so unhealthy pinched up whatever never better 18 right fuck it